


Still loving you

by IssuesWithGender



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-30 02:44:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8515513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IssuesWithGender/pseuds/IssuesWithGender
Summary: Dan loves Phil. That's fact he can't deny. Some days the feelings are overwhelming him because living with your soulmate and other half who probably doesn't love you back is hard. Then one day Phil sees Dan break down and the love story between two best friends ensues. 
Also Dan has anxiety and Phil loves him despite anything.





	

I’m in love. First words coming to my mind when I glanced you laughing next to me. We had known each other for years and I had hoped for those feelings to disappear. But sometimes this world was gruel and didn’t grand your wishes no matter how hard you tried to make them true. There were many things in my life I regretted but breaking up with you and deciding to be just friends was the thing I regretted so much I would have given anything to take it back. 

We had been just two teen boys lost in our lives and the unexpected fame we got. You had said you loved me and I had said I loved you too but at the same time we were decided it would be best if there was no us. We never said we were together but everyone seemed to know and that was scary. At that point I wasn’t out for my family and you just feared the big scary world knowing and judging us. At that point there wasn’t so many gay youtubers and there was no telling how would the community react.

I just hope I would have said no when we talked about this. I hope I had kissed you again after the last kiss we shared. I really hope I would be brave enough to change everything now but I know I am not. It has been too long and you probably don’t feel same way anymore. I am friendzoned and I should be happy with that. 

“Earth to Dan. Can you hear me?” Your voice takes me back to the current moment and I almost scream out loud when your face is too close to mine. For a moment, we share this special look I never get used to. It’s like you can read my mind. Then you turn back to the camera and that small moment is over. I joke with you and try to make a few sharp comments for the camera but today isn’t my day. My heart isn’t in the filming because it has something else to think.

“You know we don’t need to do this now?” Like usually you know something is wrong. You don’t ask what’s up with me but in your voice it is clear you are waiting answer from me.

“Can we do this tomorrow? I got headache.” You just nod and don’t have time to answer before I’m out of the room. I need space and a good night sleep. Today is bad day. I have them sometimes. And no, don’t mean the days when nothing seems right and my life is not worth of living. I mean the days when I regret my one life choice. I regret letting the one too good thing to be true run through my fingers. 

These days are the worst because you are still here. I still love every day I spend with you but at the same time I’m scared for my life. I fear one day you will change I love you’s with someone else. What if you move away with someone you love more than me? What if I become just distant memory for you? Someone you call occasionally to ask how have I been. I couldn’t take losing you.

There is small knock on my door but I just crawl further to my bed hiding behind the blankets. I can’t see your face right now. I think my head will explode. Too many thoughts, regret and anxiety taking over. I can’t even scream because it would make you worried and that’s something I have never wanted. Keeping you as far from my worries as possible had been my life goal from the moment we met. 

You are not innocent like the internet seems to think but you are neither like me. Your mind is full of flowers and sunshine while mine has been taken over by storms and emptiness. Sometimes I wonder how we even ended up falling in love and being friends. I mean we are totally opposites but maybe that’s why we are so perfect together. Well, were perfect together. As friends we are fell fitted but dating you was something out of ordinary. It felt magical and so natural at the same time. I think us being together was one time thing. You are my soul mate even if it sounds sappy and overly romantic. I will never feel like this for anyone else because you are the one for me. 

And I have lost you. Not whole you but the you who loved me more than just best friend, flat mate and former boyfriend. 

“Dan, you worry me right now?” I literally jump out of the bed and fall to the ground because of your voice. When did you come in? I have no idea but my heart is beating too fast and I don’t know if it is because of you scaring me or the worrying stare you are giving for me.

“Wait, have you been crying?” Now your voice sounds alarming and I don’t even have any excuses in my mind. I just feel tired. Too tired to all of this. I know I’m fainting before it happens. Everything goes black and numb and then I’m out of it.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is made of my own fears that came true. I needed to write something to change my own past and regrets and making the story be about Dan and Phil seemed like a good idea. I used to look the person I lost like Dan looks at Phil. I don’t know if these two are together or even in love but I know they really care for each other and I really hope I would one day find friendship like they have.
> 
> Also this is my first fanfic and English isn’t my first language (and I’m totally bad at it) so sorry for all my mistakes. Please, feel free to complain about my mistakes.


End file.
